the goodness of God will break my heart

sometimes learning is a constant journey of denial and unlearning. i have to admit i know nothing, i can do nothing, to know that absolute anything. (except the uneasily swallowed truth: god is good. god is good. god is good, and i am nothing without his goodness)

sometimes loving is a painful path of admitting defeat and letting go. the more i try to control a relationship, even from a distance, the more i lose the vitality of love and uniqueness. the more i tell god that he is not sovereign over my life, the more i take my loves into my own hands, and so "love" out of a twisted, selfish human nature.

and it is unspeakably hard to live for something that seems so far away and unreal. That's why I need His spirit, to make me see the small things for what they are, not as unimportant, but as pointing to Him, just as much as the big things.