but i'm not here to rapidly alter myself, and the conglomeration of all my courses isn't going to stew and result into some creative inspiration that takes over. Permanently! You're either born with it or it comes subtly. And I say born with it because there is always those creative genius people who vaguely resemble Mozartian fame.
I shall pray every day that my life will be filled with game.s
Even when I have dreams about Louise Brooks and her German lover dancing blissfully on a deserted pier by the city docks all lit with the swinging moon, and piano dolce plays silent-film style in the background-- she falls in and drowns out of sheer whim of misery. I certainly know where she's coming from, all this living with very little loving makes for... just whims of misery.
I have decided to be happy as a music student. It doesn't matter what I'm taking anyways. It doesn't matter if I only last 2.5 years or 7... as I am leaning towards both at the same, it seems.
And why do all my colleagues in 2nd and 3rd year seem generally depressed about what they're doing? It doesn't take very long to catch the same apathetic fever. I want to find joy in whatever I'm doing, even if I'm here to do an entire degree on "Evil and it's Symbols"... you could probably not get away with that anyway, there's only one class in the entire course-load with that prescription. It doesn't matter so much about me, anyways, I think it matters so much more about You.
I'm not wanting to be self-righteous, but I do hope I don't sink the same way they do, and I hope they can rise up out of it in Christ.
PS. our Kitchener-Waterloo orchestra is doing a Canadian premier of a Johnny Greenwood piece, Popcorn Superhet Receiver, and the tickets are 20 dollars for a starving student who can't afford to buy new underclothes. Maybe I could stand outside the door with my ear to the ground.
4 comments:
i am surprised at them. they should not be depressed!
generally, i find i like a place better the second year i am there. and you know i have had many "second years" in many places.
so i can only think it will be better for you.
i enjoyed reading this post. sorry that you are starving. i will think sadly upon it.
today i realized an important thing and it was this: i need to copy out the note from your last ever post on the end of love and keep it with me on index cards.
throwing out lines never hurts. some of them will catch skin.
love you..
your last ever post on good jazz was .... reminiscent of a badly-translated japanese game.
i carry it with me always.
i'm not starving ALL the time, in fact, I am rarely starving. for food...
Someone has poetry in her soul. Here's some more:
i carry your heart with me
e.e. cummings
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
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